Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas List



Christmas and Lists go together. So here’s a list I came up with to make sure you’re doing all the things you need to do this time of year.  Because it’s not really Christmas until you have…

~ Ordered Schweddy Balls from Season’s Eatings
~ Punched a cop in Bedford Falls
~ Came home with a very sparse Christmas Tree
~ Driven by an obnoxious light display
~ Argued about Christmas being about Jesus, even though there are other secular influences, but it wouldn’t be the holiday it is without the Christian beliefs.
~ Listened to elementary kids sing out of tune
~ Pulled a guy’s fake white beard
~ Fixed the knoll post
~ Contemplated your past, present and future
~ Gone sledding on those wonderful Whoville hills
~ Wished for a miracle on your street that the white-trash family would move
~ Sang along to your favorite Christmas songs
~ Discussed the fact some professional singers really don’t have the voice for some Christmas songs
~ Strung up some mess of a Christmas light display on your house
~ Watched enough stop-motion animation to give you a headache
~ Lied to your kids about Santa Claus
~ Attended a “Holiday” luncheon at work
~ Cringed at every reference to the “Nutcracker”
~ Declined the Christmas party at Nakatomi Plaza
~ Wondered if Perry Como was still making Christmas Specials
~ Put that Elf on a shelf in compromising positions
~ Prayed Krampus was real and would visit that special someone
~ Devised a plan so all your neighbors and townsfolk would rush to your house and give you lots of money on Christmas Eve
~ Shook that old sleigh bell for an hour and still couldn’t hear the ringing
~ Cussed out a store clerk who wouldn’t say Merry Christmas
~ Tried to buy a goose on Christmas morning, only to realize liquor stores were the only things open now days, so Wild Turkey would do
~ Purchased firearms for Christmas gifts despite the warnings
~ Skipped out on all invitations to New England for Christmas due to excessive dancing and singing
~ Realized you never had that magical Mistletoe moment
~ Beat the hell out of the neighbors, who you thought were breaking in while you were home by yourself
~ Skipped the Eggnog and went straight for the bottle that spiked it
~ Placed both the ‘Letter to Santa’ and the ‘Cookies’ left out for him in the same trash can
~ Emptied out the shitter
~ Yelled ‘Merry Christmas Damnit’